Sunday, March 08, 2009


Grazed by a Bullet

How many times have you heard this on the news or whatever, "So and so was grazed by a bullet." I don't know, to me, this shouldn't happen as often as it does. You should either be shot, or missed entirely. My personal experience with guns is limited (though I'd like to note that the first time I fired a gun, I hit my target perfectly), so I'm not an expert on this by any means. What I do have experience with however is water-guns. When I was younger I used to take part in block-wide water-gun fights frequently. My get-up was great, I had two on a holster I wore around my waist, a big powerful gun strapped to my back (for emergencies) and a double barreled gun as my primary weapon. These skirmishes wouldn't last too long, however, because after a little while people would be utterly soaked and water would literally bounce off of an individual. Point is, there was no "grazing" of water going on here. Admittedly it's not an accurate comparison because water will just soak into an object, thus giving the appearance of a full on "hit" when you could theoretically have been "grazed". I mean what's next, are we going to hear about instances when an individual is grazed by a grenade or bomb? Though, I guess in those cases it doesn't matter if you're hit with the actual object; you would just hope to be grazed by the explosion.

Sunday, December 14, 2008


An all purpose response

A few days ago a friend of mine said, "Hey, I just got a Ferret." For some reason my response was, "Oh yea, did you shove it up your ass?" He said, "I think you're thinking of Gerbils, people shove those up their ass." Now, I realized he was right and I had the two mammals confused, but instead of admitting my mistake, it was now my mission to convince him that there are people who stick Ferrets up their ass for pleasure. I said, "No there are people who use Ferrets too." He said, "No way, they're too big." I was like, "Yea, really gay people do." He finally succumbed and said, "Really?" I had him now, I responded by saying, "Yeah, it takes a really dedicated gay person." That's right, dedication, I didn't give up and was able to convince my friend that people shove Ferrets up their ass. This is a story I will tell my children as a life lesson. When they're really really young. Maybe even show them.

Sunday, October 05, 2008


When high school lunch got awesome

I was watching a local newscast lately and they were running the school lunch menu's. One of them said for a main meal, "Not Fried Rice". Take a moment to take that in. I don't know if that was a typo and supposed to say "Hot Fried Rice" or something, but if it wasn't, that school left things wide open. I mean they could have hamburgers for all we know, because, after all, that is not fried rice. As long as it isn't fried rice, that description is accurate. Also, a school just had nachos for lunch, which is pretty awesome. I remember when I was in school they started serving nachos and cheese for lunch. It was like the guy in charge momentarily forgot what he was doing and let this slide. I recall one day everyone was enjoying their nachos and cheese for lunch, and this kid named Brett was overheard saying, "I'm pretty sure this isn't a healthy lunch". Well the student body had to make sure this didn't get out; someone yelled, "GET HIM!!!" and everyone bum-rushed Brett like zombies to fresh brains. I don't know what happened to Brett at the bottom of that pile, but I never saw him again. We continued having nachos for lunch and they never tasted better. Or should I say, they never tasted Bretter.

Monday, September 22, 2008


A short tale of irony

I was driving to a friends house one day and going past the prison in Enfield. I was also listening to Queen's "I want to break free". For those that don't know those are the lyrics. Freddy Mercury sings, as only he can, "I want to break free...". As these lyrics played, I looked at the prison I thought, "how ironic". When I arrived at my friend's house I told the story, to which some other idiot who was there said, "Yeah, it's like when I drive by there, I just yell, 'hey, I'm free'". What!? No! That's exactly what I said. Has that ever happened where you tell a joke or a funny story and some idiot feels they have to one up you right away and ends up telling the exact same joke or story. I have this pet peeve about people stealing my material, and idiots, so this was a double whammy. When it comes to double whammy's I just start swinging, and this time was no different. I just started hitting this guy with my hand, which was in a fist. And, here's where the irony comes into play, I spent time at that jail in the beginning of the story for it. Irony ladies and gentlemen. At least I think that's irony.

Saturday, September 13, 2008


My restaurant chain idea

A couple months ago I had an idea for a themed restaurant chain. The theme would be that the entire restaurant would be upside-down. Now, I know, you're probably asking "Karl, what do you sit on if the place is upside-down?". Well, when I was having dinner on my birthday, thank you (I'm saying thank you to the 'happy belated birthday' you just said to yourself), I noticed all the air ducts and A.C. vents on the ceiling were raised (or lowered). Those would make perfect tables! And one could sit Indian style on the ceiling (floor). "How would you sit at the bar?" you ask, well, the bar table would extend all the way to the ceiling (floor) so you would rest your drinks on the bottom (top) of the table. "Now, Karl, how would people get in the door?". That one we'd have to give in a little, the doors would be normal. Although, technically half of the door is outside, so we could get away that and still be true to our upside-down theme. Maybe the handles could upside-down or something. "So, what's food going to be like?". Well, you're in for a treat. See, the food will also be served upside-down! So, imagine getting a burger on the top bun! Whoa! Or a pizza with the crust touching your top teeth when you bite in! Yeawza! People will fall in love with the idea (after finding it irritating and annoying at first) because we really stick to the idea that everything is upside-down! "That's cool, how will you serve drinks?". Well that one..... alright! You got me! I haven't thought this all the way through. There's probably no way around serving drinks upside-down because all the fluids will spill out and people will never get used to that. Plus, we'd never make up our losses on the money we'd lose on the spilled drinks (we'd have free refills, by the way). Are you happy? You've crushed a little boys dream of having a chain of themed restaurants by be-raiding me with all these fucking questions. I'll never have as successful a restaurant chain as you dad! Everyone can go sit on a dick. Unless you enjoy that- then I hope you never have anal again.

Wait, all this talk about sodomy has given me a new restaurant idea.


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